Sigh* I need a frozen raspberry margarita and some chips from Chili’s. Any takers?
I have been a busy bee running (bees don’t run) flying around trying to keep up with life. Having a deep a loving marriage with Ryland, cultivating my passion for Jesus by spending time with him in the word, keeping the house tidy like a good “house-wife of St. Augustine,” growing in my business by exploring marketing and branding techniques, learning how to advance my photography skills, sending a birthday card to my brother… Life has been a list lately. Lists feel really good when I have everything checked off at the end of the day. But, when I look around my life and there is a pile of laundry, an unopened bible, a watermark doesn’t match my logo, and it is a month after my brother’s birthday and he still doesn’t have a card, I start to feel a little…defeated.
I start thinking: “I am not connected to the power of Christ; Ryland is going to be annoyed that the laundry is still where it was this morning when he gets home from work; people are going to think I am unprofessional if they get on my website and see that my watermark doesn’t match; my brother is going to think I don’t love him, etc. etc.” All of those things are probably not true—but even if they were, should I find my worth in folded laundry and matching logos?
From time to time in life, I ask myself: who do I want to be? Who or what determines when I am there? How will I know when I truly am who I want to be? And the final question on trial: Will that be enough? When I am honest with myself, I base the answers to these questions other people’s opinion of me. I am afraid people won’t like me, won’t think I try hard enough, look good enough, perform well enough, etc. I confess that I have Email inbox anxiety—I am afraid of how those correspondences will change my life—-or change my mind—or change my heart. I even had to rename the button on my bookmarks bar to say “Fanmail” instead of “Email” so I would feel better about getting emails! hahaha.
And the exhausting reality in the midst of all of this is: When I am relying on other people to let me know when I have “arrived,” I will never make it. There is always going to be something ELSE on the to-do list that is not getting done to the degree it should be performed. It is a devastating reality that no matter how hard I try, I cannot win the favor of people.
Today is my 9 year anniversary (or birthday) of being a Christian. (Saying “a christian” sounds so flat and cliche to me though—I am really a child of God and a bride of Christ. THAT is really something.) What Christ did for me that day, October 6, 2002, is what I need for him to do for me now and always: To tell me that the search for emotional fulfillment is over. I don’t need to wake up early in the morning and labor all day long trying to win the favor of God or other people because Jesus paid my bill and completed my to-do list. He proclaimed that I am free from earning approval, reputation, control, success, security, recognition, or respect when he said I was worth dying for… and then proved it.
If you are on my to-do list right now, don’t worry. I am not going to give up lists (I need lists!) haha. I am going to give up the feelings of pride when I complete them, or anxiety when I don’t, that makes this busyness an idol. I am done with THAT emotional roller coaster (And I <3 roller coasters! Just not emotional ones!) Because I am doing too much and believing too little. Instead of running around gathering flattery from people in my bottomless heart, I am going to choose to believe that I am approved, respected, secured, recognized, and unconditionally loved in Christ. I hope you consider doing believing the same.
This is how I feel when I remember that Jesus calls me his bride…
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Brittany, you are SO beautiful inside and out! Can’t wait to post your wedding next week!
