2 weeks ago I sat against the wall of our empty first home listening to the stripped version of “meaning” by Gavin Degraw. I looked around and closed my eyes, imagining all the boxes unpacked and all of our wedding photos still hanging where they had been. I tried to remember how much space was between the couch and the coffee table, how the books looked on the bookshelf, how many outlets were in the kitchen. i am afraid that as soon as I forget those things, that place, that season of life won’t belong to me anymore. it is scary to take things out of your life. it is unsettling to let go.
i still have the steelers house key Ryland surprised me with…I could go back and open the door. I could walk to our mailbox. I could take Tyson to the dog-park…but the truth is…those things are not mine anymore. It makes me reflect that my love of photography is just a quest to gather up as many things that are mine in photographs. If I have a picture of it, it still belongs to me. But if I forget, it is gone.
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One of my favorite songs ever is “We Belong Together” by Gavin Degraw. The line that always touches my heart from that song is:
“All this indecision, all this independent strength, still we’ve got our hearts on safe, we’ve got our hearts on safe…”
I meditated on those words in my personal journal the other day and wrote: “Our hearts are actually least safe when they are on safe. We need to pull the trigger and do hard things sometimes to let our hearts be free…to let them heal.”
Whether that means moving to a new place, ending unhealthy relationships, cutting out carbs, or listening to different music….we need to ask ourselves: are we living safe? are we holding back from letting go of things (even uncomfortable and burdening things) just because we are afraid of the unknown? What benefits would letting go provide? How will my relationship with god grow through this? will this allow me to be a better wife (or a better mom), a better photographer, a better servant toward others, etc.
I am done with living with my heart on safe. I am done selling the real-estate of my heart to people and places and things that don’t deserve to live there. don’t get me wrong—there are certainly times to reconcile with whatever or whomever is burdening you but-I commit to asking God for the wisdom to discern what to prune and what to nourish with time. the stakes are higher now that I am a wife and a soon to be mommy…my heart needs to be free to love my husband and my children, and others— not enslaved by worry, fear, doubt. Ultimately, that slavery keeps me from my husband, Jesus, and there is nothing more that I need, that my marriage needs, and that my family needs, than my heart to be connected with my first love.
So—here I am, sitting in our one-room apartment at my in-laws house on the Jersey shore. my first day alone in this new place. But i have let go and need to cling to Jesus and trust that this too is going to be the adventure of a lifetime—just like st. augustine was.
Lord , my heart is yours! free it and restore it to the beautiful palace you deserve to live in!
“above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” proverbs 4:23
