To be honest, this week was a week of anxiety. Not only was it father’s day but, my dad’s 58th birthday would have been this past wednesday. I was afraid of both days. Days seem like a funny thing to be afraid of but it was the wondering that set my heart on worry mode: what I would think about that day? what I would feel? Maybe if I prepare myself, I can avoid feeling sad.
Each time an event passes (my birthday, his birthday, fathers day, etc.), I try so hard to think about how to do it perfectly right so it will feel like my dad is there. With the $83.00 found in his wallet, I went to TJmaxx to find a birthday gift for myself–may 14th was coming and it would be special to get a gift “from him”. i brought it home and thought about how to wrap it like him, when to give it to myself like he would have given it—should I try to imitate his handwriting on the wrapping paper saying, “to: katie”? How can i make it seem as if he really is giving this to me? I looked up from my gift to Ryland and the tears started falling.
“Ryland, no matter what I do, I can’t make him be here. That is such a devastating reality. I feel fine about him being gone until I want to be with him, hear from him, speak to him, sit next to him, hug him, open my birthday present from him, etc. When I want him here, and I can’t have him…that is when I feel the emptiness.” It really does feel like he just left on some great adventure—and if i really searched the whole world, he could be found
I get scared of these days—the ones he is supposed to live with me. But when birthdays and hallmark holidays come and go, they surprisingly turn out incredibly fulfilling and celebratory. life seems so much deeper now. Sure, i miss him and cry (Ryland can reassure you of that!); but I also laugh harder and smile more genuinely than I ever have…and it is good to feel life deeply again.
In celebration of my dad for father’s day—I wanted to just share this card (the last card I ever sent him) and a letter I wrote to put in his casket. I know these are personal things and some may think it is weird to share them publicly…but i think the best way to love my dad now is to carry on his legacy and to tell people about him….much like telling people about Jesus and how wonderfully he has healed my heart over and over again.
When we can’t love others face to face, we can love by telling stories of their greatness-that is something that I have learned through this. I hope to be more purposeful in listening to people stories around me so that God can multiply my love for others.
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My dad passed away on April 5th and the way I saw him April 13th was a little differently than we expected. But I was proud of him nonetheless.
This is the letter I put in my dad’s casket…
“Daddy, it’s Katie.
I miss you so much already and it has only been one day. This whole thing is called “losing you” but I know that is not the truth. Even still, this moment I am living in is so confusing-It was all meant to be and makes no sense at the same time. I think God’s plan is perfect though-I am sure you know by now that the man who designed the Porsche Targa 911’s passed away the same day as you. There are no coincidences.
I know that you are so proud of me and I know you loved Ryland so much-He takes really good care of your Katie and he will make me live boldly and adventurously like you did. That is why you liked him so much. We will travel & sail & ride bikes, I promise.
Thank you for everything, Dad. Thanks for our journeys together-I cherish the memories of riding the train in Marienville and camping in Canada with you. Thank you for taking care of Keith & I- you bought us everything we could ever have wanted. You made me feel so beautiful-you bought me dresses, make-up, and that wooden vanity that is still in my room. You took me to the father/daughter girl scouts dances and let me kiss you all over your face with red lipstick. You were such a good listener. You always gave me good encouragement and advice. I am going to miss that most…being able to call you and talk to you about the good things in life (& you saying “that’s great honeybun!”) or the bad (& you saying “nobody hurts my KatieQueen!”).
Everybody is sad that our baby won’t know you. I have peace that you were never supposed to know each other and I laugh at your resistance to be called “grandpa.” I guess you don’t have to be called that now. :) But for the record, you were a grandpa while you were here. No one else knows his name yet but i think it’s ok to tell you…His name is…(edited for blog purposes because our baby’s name is still a secret!)
…Oh dad, I have no idea yet how much I am going to miss you. In those moments when you are supposed to be there: birthdays, vacations, christmas…even just your name showing up on my phone for a phone call or text–my heart will feel so empty.
I wish I could share 1 more mountain dew together or you could tell us the ghost stories about the man with the golden arm. Every time I drive the Spyder, I will be meditating on all the great conversations we had riding back and forth to work together.
This note could go on forever about our life together and how much you loved me-how deeply and fully you loved me. I know this note is being buried with your body but your spirit is with God now…so anything I have left to say, i will say to you in passing.
I love you Daddy,
Katie”
